You’ve probably heard those homophobic jerks say, “it’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve”, but they forgot about the more lesser-known couple, Gertrude and Cindy.
I’m another year older. Yippee. But why do we celebrate birthdays in the first place? I mean, it’s just another step towards that nice old Mrs. Mortality from next door, aka death. Whether birthdays are arbitrary or morbid is up to you. But why don’t we celebrate, I dunno, oxygenation. Have a party every 8,409,600 breaths or so ( ≈365 days).
Therefore, happy breathday.
Late at night
when the streetlights glow their brightest and pierce the darkness,
I sit at my typewriter and wonder.
But no matter how hard I
#)*F o C u S*(#
The words won’t find their way out of my
mind and onto the keys
Which will in turn convey my thoughts to the world.
In the small hours of the morning,
when the sun is just rearing its golden head over the horizon,
I sit with the guitar on my lap and wonder.
But no matter how hard I
#)*F o C u S*(#
The music refuses to dance out of my
mind and onto the strings
which will in turn resonate into the brisk air and serenade the heavens.
In the midst of the day,
when all the energy of the world is just at its climax,
I sit with a pen and paper and wonder.
But no matter how hard I
#)*F o C u S*(#
The vivid colors of an imaginary world refuse to
And join the crescendo of activity buzzing around me.
–Alpha Child, November 2017
What’s up, ladies and gentlemen, dudes and dudettes, girls boys and in between! It’s Alpha here, and I’m going to try something new:
Over the past few years, I’ve been writing stories, mostly fanfictions (although I started one based on Norse mythology), but I’ve never really finished any of them. This will change, however, because I’m publishing the first two chapters of one right now! I’m debating what to call it. Two titles I have in mind are Cyberquest and The YouTube Games.
It’s about two of my favorite Youtubers and one that I absolutely despise: Boyinaband, Draw With Jazza, and DanTDM (The Diamond Minecart). But it’s mostly about Boyinaband. If you don’t know who Boyinaband is, you should get acquainted with him right now. Same with Draw With Jazza. Both are very creative channels with awesome content that’ll make you smile. #notsponsored. Also, Boyinaband is the same guy that did the Don’t Stay In School video that I posted about.
I will include pictures of all three at the end, and I suggest you check them out before reading this.
Chapter One: The Letter
It was a normal Saturday afternoon. I was just reading a magazine, minding my own business, and thinking about the new video I’d just made. Suddenly, the doorbell rang. This shouldn’t have been a problem except for the fact that I don’t have a doorbell. Getting up from the couch and looking very alarmed indeed, I opened the door to find a FRICKIN’ HUGE PORTAL TO THE CYBERWORLD on my front lawn.
“AAAUUUGHH!!!!”, I screamed, which is British slang for ‘HOLY CRAP THERE’S A RIFT IN SPACE’.
A single envelope, painted like the Gmail logo (very sneaky, Google), fluttered out of the portal and landed on my doorstep with a soft swish. I picked it up warily, and as I did so, the portal closed in on itself and disappeared (voip!) in a flash of blue. I knew exactly why that portal was here, and it wasn’t good in the least.
Every three years, three YouTubers are chosen to compete in a Quest. Nobody is told what the Quest is about. There may not even be a Quest. Only the contestants know. But what is common knowledge is that in the past, people have died. Not necessarily in the Quest. But many of the losing finalists pop their clogs. There are nine finalists, and apparently I was to be one of them. This did not bode well for my future.
“Dear Boyinaband”, the letter said. Not Dave. Not Mr. Brown. Just Boyinaband. Apparently I’m not valuable enough to be addressed by my real name.
“You have been selected as one of nine finalists for the Quest. This time, you are to retrieve six relics from the Cyber Temple. You will have three days in the Cyberworld. Each YouTuber is allowed a tool and an animal companion. You must attend a short SELECTION CERemony (sorry, my caps lock was stuck) to find out who shall partake in the Quest. The ceremony is in three days, on July 20, at the YouTube Space in London, England. Enclosed is your train ticket and entrance pass.
“The other eight finalists are DanTDM, Draw With Jazza, Markiplier, PewDiePie, Primitive Technology, Dude Perfect, Backyard Scientist, and Colinfurze. Have a very nice day. — The Director Of YouTube”
By the time I finished reading the letter, my heart was beating at 90 kilometers per hour. I was subject to a painful death that many other finalists have suffered, and I’m too young to die! I’m only 30!
My cats must have sensed my restlessness, because they made the rest of my day all the more miserable. Although they’re already inherently annoying, Metaphor Cat and the Unnamed Other Cat meowed mercilessly, clawed at me, bit my hair, and scratched at my office door when I was trying to Skype with my friends to tell them I was okay.
“It’s only a little death quest”, RoomieOfficial, my friend and fellow YouTuber/musician, had said. That wasn’t reassuring in the least. Now it’s a death Quest, not just a Quest.
I didn’t sleep well that night, as one can expect. Images of my brutal death played over and over in my tea-deprived mind: death by being stabbed, death by drowning, death by playing League of Legends at three in the morning… I ended up doing the latter because I was so restless. I was amazed at how many people play League at this hour. Then I remembered about time zones.
No matter how immersed in the game I was, I couldn’t stop an inherent feeling of dread. I’m not going to make it, I thought over and over in my mind. I’m not going to make it.
Chapter Two: The Selection
The day of the Selection was like an out-of-body experience where I couldn’t get back in. I didn’t feel any emotion as I brushed my hair, ate breakfast, or got in my car to head to the Underground. A/N I’m trying to use as much British terminology as possible… is it working? I sat in my seat feeling quite dead. Maybe I was dead, and my life is flashing before my eyes. I guess I’ll never know. It’s not that I was scared. I was way past scared. It’s just that my thought process felt strangely numb; Maybe it’d fallen asleep like a limb. I fell back to earth as an announcement crackled over the loudspeakers. “We are now in London. Please mind the gap. Also, congratulations to the finalists for the YouTube Quest”. I looked up, and so did a blond guy in a tie that I’d seen on the Underground before. He looked just as sleep-deprived as me, so I assumed he was going the same place I was. We both rose from our seats and began the long trudge to our doom.
So it turns out this guy was Colinfurze, and he was an inventor and the most psychopathic person I’ve met, but psychopathic in a good way. Since I had no one else to talk to, I talked to him. Turns out we both were really into League of Legends.
The crazy thing is, some kid recognized both of us. I couldn’t tell if they were a guy or a girl, though.
“You guys are awesome!”, they shouted across the street in an American accent, southern New England to be exact. “I hope you don’t die, because you’re my two favorite YouTubers. Good luck, dudes!”
My day suddenly got a bit brighter, but darkened when I approached the YouTube space. People were filing into the main auditorium and taking their seats. I fished the entrance pass out of the pocket of my jeans. I handed it to the bouncer, an unhappy-looking guy that may or may not have been a Small Youtuber, or one with one with less than 100,000 subs. I tried to mentally send a message to him and tell him how to escape, but I couldn’t because I’m telepathetic. (The puns are back! Maybe I’m not so dead after all!). I took a seat next to… ffffff -crap. It’s DanTDM. The most immature individual to ever walk this earth. I could practically hear him smiling that manic, idiotic smile that I hate so much. If I do get chosen, I hope I’m not stuck with this guy, a sorry excuse for a YouTuber. His content has no entertaining, philosophical, or educational value, and it’s practically cranked out on an assembly line. There’s no thought behind the videos, but still he gains subscribers by the millions. Fandom is blind… and deaf apparently.
The lights dimmed, and a middle-aged woman stepped up to the podium. She had raven-black hair that gave off an unnatural blue glow, like Cerenkov radiation. Maybe I was going to die of nuclear poisoning, left to sit and know what’s wrong but not be able to do anything about it for years and years until I’m old and dying and glowing blue….. (dramatic zoom intensifies) Okay, back to reality.
Welcome to the fourth annual YouTube Quest! My name is Sasha Cerenkov, and I have been chosen as the SELECTor (sorry, my caps lock was stuck) for the Quest! I would love to stay and chat with you wonderful people, but we have to get moving so we can have our lucky contestants up here on stage!!”. My heart was beating at borderline highway speeds again, and my hands were shaking. I‘m not going to make it. I’m not going to make it.
“The first contestant is… Draw With Jazza!”. A guy in his late twenties walked up to the podium. I could hear him muttering Australian cuss words under his breath.
“The second contestant is… DanTDM!!!”. Ugh. Why the frickin’ hell would they chose him? Oh, maybe it’s because he has FRICKIN’ SIXTEEN MILLION SUBSCRIBERS, that’s why! He practically skipped his way up to the stage, talking into his camera all the way. What are the odds that he was livestreaming?
“The third contestant is… Wait, did I read this right? Hold on.” Cerenkov lady put on a pair of cat-eye spectacles and squinted at the piece of paper.
I almost had a heart attack right there in my seat. I got up and practically stumbled to the stage. I had a few choice words too, and not all of them were whispered like Jazza’s. I lined up next to Jazza, who looked uncomfortable. I think that was mostly because he was right next to Dan. My vision was fading at the edges. Salt and pepper vision is the term for it, I believe. It’s surprising that I didn’t faint right then and there.
I didn’t take in the next few minutes of the ceremony at all, so I was mildly surprised when I was sucked into a portal much like the one that had landed on my front lawn. I landed on a glossy Cerenkov-blue surface. Glass maybe? But when I looked down at my feet I realized that I was standing on the fabric of the internet. And that’s when I fainted. —————THE END OF THIS POST——————
So how do you like my story so far? Shall I continue? How do you think it’ll go?
watching reading! Have a nice day! (Get the reference?)
Also, Boyinaband is a Pastafarian… He’s one of us! And I strongly recommend his AI video and his fangirl video. They’re pretty cool.
But I can remember dissecting a frog
I wasn’t taught how to pay tax
But I know loads about Shakespeare’s classics
I was never taught how to vote
They devoted that time to defining isotopes
I wasn’t taught how to look after my health
But mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell
Never spent a lesson on current events
Instead I studied The Old American West
I was never taught what laws there are.
I was never taught what laws there are.
Let me repeat:
I was not taught the laws for the country I live in,
But I know how Henry the VIII killed his women.
Divorced, beheaded, died.
Divorced, beheaded, survived
Glad that’s in my head instead of financial advice
I was shown the wavelengths of different hues of light
But I was never taught my human rights
Apparently there’s 30, do you know them? I don’t
Why the hell can’t we both recite them by rote?!
I know igneous, metamorphic and sedimentary rocks
Yet I don’t know squat about trading stocks
Or how money works at all – where does it come from?
How does the thing that motivates the world function?
Not taught how to budget and disburse my earnings
I was too busy there rehearsing cursive.
Didn’t learn how much it costs to raise a kid or what an affidavit is
But I spent days on what the quadratic equation is
Negative b plus or minus the square root of b squared
Minus 4ac over 2a
That’s insane, that’s absolutely insane.
They made me learn that over basic first aid
Or how to recognize the most deadly mental disorders
Or diseases with preventable causes
Or how to buy a house with a mortgage
If I could afford it
‘Cause abstract maths was deemed more important
That would literally save thousands of lives
But it’s cool, ’cause now I could tell you if the number of unnecessary deaths caused by that choice was prime.
Never taught present day practical medicines,
But I was told what the ancient Hippocratic method is
“I’ve got a headache, the pain is ceaseless
What should I take?” umm… maybe try some leeches?
“Could we discuss domestic abuse and get the facts
Or how to help my depressed friend with their mental state?”
Ummm… no but learn mental maths
Because “you won’t have a calculator with you every day!”
They say it’s not the kids, the parents are the problem
Then if you taught the kids to parent that’s the problem solved then!
All this advice about using a condom
But none for when you actually have a kid when you want one
I’m only fluent in this language, for serious?
The rest of the world speaks two, do you think I’m an idiot?
They chose the solar over the political system
So like a typical citizen now I don’t know what I’m voting on
Which policies exist, or how to make them change
Mais oui, je parle un peu de Français
So at 18, I was expected to elect a representative
For a system I had never ever ever been presented with
But I won’t take it
I’ll tell everyone my childhood was wasted
I’ll share it everywhere how I was “educated”
And insist these pointless things
Don’t stay in school
I could kill 23 Justin Biebers in a fight.
According to The Oatmeal, anyway.
We have a 3d printer
You know how there’s spam (the food)Well spam comes from SPAM WHALES. Spam whales are HEAVILY ENDANGERED SPECIES so plz preserve and protect nature’s wonder (spam whales)